Conquering demons

Well today was a major achievement for me. I decided to stop sitting around feeling sorry for myself while Tomás was at work and walked over to the doctors surgery. Anyone who knows me, knows I have a HUGE fear of failure complex... I avoid situations where there is even the smallest chance of failure and/or subsequent embarrasement etc etc...And as you can imagine, this has resulted in a pretty reclusive and dependent lifestyle. I would only go somewhere if I had Tomás or a friend with me to do all the talking! Pretty sad I know. But seriously, I have had such a huge fear of making a twat of myself! And when I do something wrong or fail or am embarrassed, I go a really deep shade of scarlet red... it´s hard to hide and then it makes me feel like a 5 year.. not excatly good for my "Grown up English teacher" personna I have been trying to carve for myself!!!

Well, anyway, I´ve been feeling a tad shitty for almost 4 weeks... I put it down to job stress and my pretty pathetic immune system, but then recently I was starting to wonder if I had an allergy to Mika.. I have had itchy eyes, coughing, sneezing really hard, headaches... so anyway today was the last straw... I just had to go down there!! And I´m going to be honest... I was really nervous!! So stupid I know... but my biggest worry was not understanding what anyone would say back to me and standing there like a moron not knowing what to do. And really, this worry has been completely irrational.. I know.. I have taken lots of tests in Portuguese, so I know my level of understanding is good, but it´s been hard to convince myself mentally. Again, my mind has got in the way of my success in life!

And how did it go? Surprisingly well!! I had to speak to two women at reception and I just went with the flow, asking if it was possible to see a doctor. I then chatted to them about England, being an English teacher, etc etc and they told me I spoke excellently and shouldn´t be so shy. I was so surprised that I understood everything they said! And I was automatically thinking and answering in Portuguese. I´m so happy with my progress because I´ve never had lessons. Everything I´ve learnt has been through reading books, talking to Portuguese people and watching TV. And today showed me that I´ve absorbed more than I knew I had! Even the doctor told me she was very impressed as many foreigners just refuse to try and learn the language and speak in English to her.

So you can imagine me after that... I was on a bloody high!! I was like, fuck yeah! I can anything now! lool. So what did I do?? I went straight home, got Mika and took her to the Park hoping to see other dog owners to talk to!!! But to my dismay, no one was there! sniff sniff :( ah well, tomorrow I´ll go again!! And now I have no excuses about doing things myself here in Portugal.. I CAN speak Portuguese! I just have to do it! No excuses! Hmm maybe that should be my next tattoo! Lol. :)