Thursday, 17 May 2012

New Year, New Me?

Well its certainly been awhile since I last wrote a post. I took a break because I was starting to feel that it was quite "emo" and in a way self indulgent to share my thoughts online. However, during the time away I kept thinking about my blog, and wanting to write. There have been moments, experiences etc that I have wanted to share. And people may regard my posts as seeking attention but for me its an outlet. A type of catharsis perhaps. It´s been tough not being able to talk to people who speak English fluently on a daily basis, and writing really allows me to express my feelings. I now realise that sharing is a good thing. Reading other people´s blogs has shown me that I am not alone in my thoughts. Anyway, whats the point of having this wonderful piece of technology if we don´t share? The internet has truly given us a way to communicate with people from all over the world which was never so easily possible before.That, I am embracing.

So I´m back. Writing my thoughts aloud. And the title of this post is what I have been contemplating recently. Since the New Year started and I am a year older, I have been wondering if I have changed, and do I feel different? You know, with moving abroad and all. Have I matured? Have I learnt anything new? Well, I´d have to answer Yes and No. I definitely feel I have learnt new things, learnt about others, learnt about life, but that´s not just a result of living abroad...I feel that just comes naturally, wherever you are. But do I think I have matured? Not really.. I had been stuck in a bubble of blissful ignorance that there was a lot of time ahead of me, that good things would come. I had been living like a student, not spending my money wisely, not making correct decisions... To think that I am 26 years old and most of my old school colleagues are married and with babies really scares me. I don´t think I´m ready for all that crazyness, for all that maturity, for all that responsibility. I´m still figuring out who I am, what I want in life. I feel a need to acomplish something...whether it´s reach the highest grade in piano playing, winning competitions in swimming, speaking fluently in Portuguese... I have a constant feeling of inadequacy.. that I have to prove myself. But to who? Myself? My family? My friends? My boyfriend? I honestly don´t know... I just feel that nothing I do is good enough. I guess I am the uber perfectionist...never really happy... And what a horrible way to live right?

And since the New Year started I have been worrying so much. Luckily for me, my Mum has been so supportive of me, so understanding of my moods, so patient with my 2 hour phone calls going round and round in circles.."what should I do mum? should I be a psychologist? should I be an athlete? should I be a teacher? should I have kids? should I move back to England? am I selfish? should I just give up?"...And now I lie awake at night thinking that time is running away, that I have to make the right decisions now. And I have put it off incase I make the wrong decision. I guess it all just boils down to intrinsic happiness... real happiness cannot survive on only extrinsic happiness...I have to figure out what will really make me happy. Because isn´t that what life is all about?

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